Review: SURVIVAL QUEST

Directed by Don Coscarelli
1988
96 mins.  Color.
DVD Released by Anchor Bay, 2007

Coscarelli went into the mountains with a great cast and came out with an extremely entertaining and well-paced action film.  On IMDB, it says that this film came out in 1988, but it came out in the states in 1989.  There is very little to go on, but I’m guessing it was completed earlier and just released around the time of Phantasm II, with hopes to share some attention.  Either way, that doesn’t seem to have worked as this film continues to be under-seen.  Which is a shame, as this is a really well done film.  It is missing some of the crazy genre-bending I have come to love about Coscarelli, but super entertaining all the same. Along-side Kenny and Company, this is a “serious” foray outside of horror.  His character development is great in all of his films, but it is the entire basis for this film.  

The film is set in the Rocky Mountains at the North Rockies Survival Quest School, a four-week journey into the wild for those hoping to prove something to themselves.

It is such a joy to watch Coscarelli’s films, because they are so genuine.  He truly loves his characters.  Here, he builds an ensemble with Lance Henriksen and Catherine Keener providing a deep anchor.  Keener is never off, (in my opinion she may be the best actress alive, if not the most versatile) and here she is the emotional core.  She plays Cheryl, a recently divorced woman who wants something of her own.  She struggles and fights and has the hardest time of it.  The rest of the group is made up of Hal (played by Ben Hammer, related to Greg “The Hammer “ Valentine?), who is an old dude trying to prove he’s still got it, hot babe Olivia (Traci Lind - also seen in CLASS OF 1999!) is recently engaged to what seems her parents’ choice and wants one last escape, Jeff (Dominic Hoffman) who is a big-time douche, Joey (Paul Provenza, who you may recognize from Miami Vice, Empty Nest or Northern Exposure) is mostly inconsequential, and Gray (Dermot Mulroney - Heart-throb to all) a convict out for the month on some kind of “leave” who hopes to use this as redemption.  The group is led by Hank (Lance Henriksen, eternal rugged genius).  On the way, we get to see Reggie Bannister as the pilot, wearing a Kettle Chips hat.  

Unfortunately for the Survival Quest School there has been a fire elsewhere in the Rockies and Jake’s (Mark Rolston, also in Aliens) group of fascist military thugs has to use the same area for their survival quest.  Among his group is Raider (sweet character name and played by Steve Antin, who was Troy in Goonies) a big time tool who is a trouble-maker.  This group is so much fun. Jake loves to kill stuff and believes that he is a long-lost member of Cobra-kai. If there was a circumstance where he could ask one of his group to sweep the leg out from Keener, I have no doubt he would do so joyously. My favorite quote, "The Meek will never inherit anything but shit!"

The film starts with a huge helicopter shot over the mountains.  No music.  No sound.  It's an eerie indication about how Coscarelli sees the wilderness.  It's a vast, scary and dangerous place.  The groups are introduced in completely different manners.  Hank's group is individualized, each making their way to the plane.  Jake's group is a pack of anonymous douchebags, who proceed to criticize and insult each of the opposite group.  

Coscarelli goes to work, creating a very clear dichotomy.  When the groups arrive at the base of the mountains, Hank's group is intimidated, except for Gray who nearly kills everyone by lighting up a cigarette near the gas tank.  They are escorted up the mountain to meet Hank, who is on his roof, waiting for a cuppola to hang (obviously an inference on his zen-like disposition).  As they head into the mountains, the team begins to come together.  Gray shows compassion for an old man, as he gets bullied by some of Jake's group.  Keener starts struggling to keep up and the group has a discussion about whether or not they should split up her bags.  They decide they should, even though Jeff complains.

Jake, on the other hand, is training his group how to cut the ear off of an enemy.  He explains, "we are predators." He later instructs four members of his group to remove their shirts saying, "What's fundamental rule of survival?  To never get caught." He then has a bunch of dudes take their shirts off and has them maced. He tells them to hide, ordering the others to hunt them. "In the real world, the grade for failure is death."


Hank teaches his group how to survive and each become leaders, depending on one another.  Jake's group has live ammunition parachuted in.  There is a confrontation between Hank and Jake, and Raider gets involved.  He accidentally shoots Hank and Jake gets all pissed.  So, Raider shoots Jake and tells the others Hank did it.  Naturally, the fascists proceed to hunt down the remaining members of the survival school.  There is some pretty great stunt work and action sequences leading to some sweet explosions.

The whole set-up is pretty straight-forward and, at first glance, seems very outside of Coscarelli's other work.  His films are generally a mix of horror, sci-fi and fantasy.  Here, those elements are missing.  However, themes of friendship, adventure, crazy action and explosions fit him perfectly.  I look at scenes like the final act of Beastmaster, when Dar totally boots that dude into the fire and he explodes as a basis for Coscarelli's sensibilities.  That same humor is also on display here when Gray leads Raider toward that gas tank he nearly blew up and then blows it up.

The Trivia:

• Filmed in the Charlton Flats in the Angeles National Forest

Set Yourself Up:

• Gather a group of two to three friends who can enjoy a good action romp
• Buy a bunch of dried fruit, beef Jerky, sunflower seeds and powdered kool-aid to put in your canteen
• I would also recommend brewing some cowboy coffee and moonshine.

The Goods:

• Anchor Bay put out a solid DVD release in 2007.  Very little in the way of special features (a short behind the scenes and trailers for Phantasm, Phantasm III, Kenny & Company, a crazy looking John Hurt movie called The Garden and Near Dark), but it might be cheaper than the VHS.

All in all, a necessary component to your Coscarelli collection.

- J. Moret

Review: THE BEASTMASTER

Directed by Don Coscarelli
1982
118 mins.  Color.

The 1980s was the decade of fantasy. Dungeons and Dragons was a phenomenon. A B-Movie actor was President. Heavy Metal was very much en vogue. Average people were doing tons of cocaine. Cable brought more information and entertainment into homes. REVENGE OF THE NERDS II was a movie.

The general premise of THE BEASTMASTER very much fits into that traditional D&D category of fantasy. Swords, sorcery, and a dude named Dar that can talk to animals with his mind. While films like CONAN THE BARBARIAN tried to make fantasy realistic, and movie like THE DARK CRYSTAL tried very much to distance itself from realism by using puppets, BEASTMASTER gives fantasy fans what they wanted. . . unabashed, FANtastic entertainment.

FANTASY MADE AWESOME:

I'm going to come right out and say it. I hate sword and sorcery fantasy. It's totally goofy. Fantasy is generally dudes in leather undies riding horses speaking in some mixture of science talk and ye olde english.

So how does one get someone like me to watch a film such as BEASTMASTER? Truthfully, the only reason I gave BEASTMASTER half a chance was because it was Directed by the director of PHANTASM and BUBBA HO-TEP, Don Coscarelli.

I was right to trust Mr. Coscarelli's take on fantasy. BEASTMASTER is a pleasure to watch. The most important aspect of the film is it's pacing. A film like CONAN THE BARBARIAN for instance follows Conan from (esentially) birth to exacting his vengeance on James Earl Jones. It trudges along.

While BEASTMASTER (and tons of other fantasy media) shares a similar plot of revenge, Coscarelli doesn't dwell too much on the boring growing up and becoming a man BS. His assumption is that we understand what happens when people mature.

THE PLOT:

Boooooooyyyyyyyy!?

Maax (Played by Rip Torn) is a crazy cult leading priest/wizard. A crazy witch with a melted dough face tells Maax the king's unborn son will kill him one day. Since Maax seems to get off on sacrificing children (like any self respecting cult leader should) he aims to sacrifice the unborn child. Miraculously the king shows up and places Maax under arrest.

A dough faced witch follows through with Maax's wishes and transfers the fetus of the king's child into a cow. She then cuts the fetus out of the cow and attempts to sacrifice it. A passer by rescues the child by throwing chakram into the back of dough face.

This man becomes the baby's adoptive father. We come to find the child is named Dar (Marc Singer though I wish it was Marc Summers). . . and he can talk to animals. Dar's village is pillaged by Maax's cult. Dar's white german shepperd drags him out of the fray even though he's been shot by an arrow. Dar awakes to find his entire village wiped out. The cult was of course trying to find the boy that would one day kill their leader.

Dar sets out on an adventure  of vengeance adding several animals to his party. A pair of ferrets (Dar's cunning), a hawk (Dar's eyes) and a totally friggin sweet black tiger (Dar's strength). Throughout the film, Dar battles the cult using his animal allies. We see several tiger maulings, eagle eye pokes, ferrets taking arrows out of ballistas and other awesome animal action.

Thoughout his journey, Dar also joins up with humans. He meets a slave for Maax, Kiri, whom he tries to pork after "rescuing" her from his tiger. He also joins up with Seth (John Amos AKA Mr. McDowell AKA James from GOOD TIMES) . We get to see him in leather undies. . . . a blessing and a curse.

EXUBERANCE:

Boring Dick.

While I'm not completely familiar with high fantasy, I will tell you this: BEASTMASTER is better than The LORD OF THE RINGS series.

I have seen all 42 hours of THE LORD OF THE RINGS movies. I cannot remember a single defining moment. BEASTMASTER on the other hand has several jaw dropping moments: PEOPLE EXPLODE IN THIS MOVIE!

While the movie (thankfully) doesn't appear to be some allegory about Jesus and temptation, it kicks ass. It's entertaining. Which is more than can be said about THE LORD OF THE RINGS or almost any other fantasy movie.


While I am sure that this movie gets the, "Hey, this is PHANTASM in a fantasy setting" quite a lot, that's a fair assessment. It has the imaginative and over the top feel of PHANTASM. THE BEASTMASTER certainly has more in common with PHANTASM than a movie like THE HOBBIT.

Especially since BEASTMASTER delivers more action and sweet shit in 90 minutes than the entire LORD OF THE RINGS series does in 42 hours. This movie deserves a retroactive Oscar for being a dominant fantasy adventure.


SET YOURSELF UP:

Exactly.

- Get tons of grilled meat. Halved Chickens, Strip Steak, Pork Loin, Sausage, Mutton.

- You'll also need some Mead and Ale. I would suggest learning how to brew both right after reading this.

- Make some dough masks. Wear them while pretending to be really sexy medieval witches. Preheat your oven to 400 degrees. Once the oven is hot, take the masks off and place them on a cookie sheet for 25 minutes. Don't eat them. They were on your face. Feed them to your ferrets instead.

- If you have a dog or cat, make sure you force them to watch this with you. Grasp them in your arms and point their head at the TV. They probably won't understand how important this movie is to them at first.

- Buy some leather undies.

FUN FACT:

While a minor box office success, THE BEASTMASTER became a viewer favorite on cable. Many called TBS, "The Beastmaster Station" and HBO - "Hey, Beastmaster is On."

-M. McSlam

Review: PHANTASM

PHANTASM
Directed By Don Coscarelli
Rated R (for Bloody Mustard Horror Violence)
89 Minutes, 1979

Let me start this off by saying, I’m a PHANTASM neophyte. This fact really bothers me. All the years renting CHOPPING MALL and HELL HIGH, I always saw PHANTASM at the video store and never rented it. All I knew about the movie was that there was this giant pinball that flew around and stabbed people. I was completely unaware of the type of movie it was.

I didn’t view PHANTASM for the first time until March of 2012. Being a fan of Horror and Sci-Fi movies most of my life, I now view this indiscretion as a heinous crime against nature.

PHANTASM is one of the most creative, action packed, and exciting films in the horror genre. It rarely follows horror conventions. The movie is a strange hybrid of Horror, Sci-Fi, and unabashed craziness. The result is one of the most original and entertaining movies I have ever seen.

SOME PLOT CRAP:

The movie starts with a dude with a Foghat Mustache having sex with a blonde in a graveyard. While seducing Foghat, a dagger appears in her hand and she drives it down into Slowride’s chest. We then discover this woman is a shapeshifter of some kind as the final shot we see of her is a sinister looking grey-haired man. . . Yes.

We find out quickly that Foghat’s real name was Tommy. Tommy was best friends with Jody and Reggie. Jody is a rocker. Reggie is an ice cream man/rocker. Jody has a thirteen year old brother named Mike. Jody and Reggie like Mike and treat him well, especially since his parent’s died.

The only problem is Jody wants to move on. He wants to stop taking care of his baby brother and ship him off to his aunt’s because he is always tagging along and spying on him.

Speaking of Mike spying, he was told to stay home and not come to Tommy’s funeral. He rides his sweet motorbike through the cemetery and sees a sinister looking grey haired man in a black suit power lift Tommy’s casket into a hearse. . . all by himself.

THE TALL MAN:

This grey haired fellow is the known as the Tall Man (Played by Angus "I'm perfect for this role" Scrimm). He is the main villain of the series. This was another reason I was not terribly interested in the movie when I was a kid. I thought compared to Freddy Krueger and the robots from CHOPPING MALL, the Tall Man was lame. I was wrong. Here is what I know about him:

The Tall Man:
- is a Shapeshifter
- is Immortal
- is a Mortician
- has mustardy/pudding blood.
- is a Necromancer
- Supplies human zombie dwarf slaves to another planet.
- is totally pissed off for some reason.
- his severed fingers turn into giant evil insects.
- has giant flying pinball sentinels that bore into people’s brains.
- is probably (?) an alien.
- is much more badass than Freddy or some damn mall patrolling robot.

MORE PLOT CRAP:

The rest of the film is the pursuit of the mysterious Tall Man. Mike is worried about what he saw at the funeral. He has nightmares. When he goes back to the funeral home and mausoleum, the poopy hits the blinds. Mike proves to Jody and Reggie the Tall Man is not of this earth and the hunt is on.

A bunch of really sweet stuff happens and then the movie ends.

WHY IS IT GOOD?

The movie defies all convention. When you think something is going to happen, something else completely happens. Crazy stuff like mustard pudding blood, white rooms filled with black rubber barrels, unexplained flying cerebral bores, shapeshifting, shotguns, portals to other planets. Nothing is explained to the viewer and while the content of the movie could all add up to something bigger, I’m not convinced it does. I’m convinced that Director/Writer Don Coscarelli is a genius.

In contrast, the characters are logical beings living in a very dark world. For instance, when an evil insect attacks, Jody and Mike wrap it up in a shirt and toss it into the garbage disposal. When certain things occur, characters use tangible means and objects to correct the situation. Always within reason. . . no one ever runs upstairs while being chased by an evil force.

Coscarelli shows a command of visual depth, sound, and dialogue on top of what may be the craziest movie of the 1970’s in terms of subject matter. Many of these crazy things that occur in the movie don’t add up to any big revelation of a larger meaning, but everything is so damn fun none of that matters.

Visually the film does a lot for a very small budget. The ball sentinel (AKA silver pinball thingy) has animated blades and while the effect is crude, it’s very cool. Spatially some shots are beautiful, while most of the film has a pretty gritty look and feel. There is a great variety to the visuals and it keeps the viewer on their toes. You’re never quite set into a particular style. The POV shots from the ball sentinel are black and red. There’s an animated victorian photo of the Tall Man that’s sepia. These variations really set this movie apart from most films in the genre.

Plus we get stuff like this:


THE DIALOGUE:

Some key lines in the movie:

“You play a good game boy! But the game is finished and now you die.” - The Tall Man

“No warning shots. Warning shots are Bullshit.” - Jody

“Ummmmmmm. Oh Shit.” - Mike

"What the Fuck? (mouthed, not spoken) - Mike

“We gotta snag that Tall Dude and stomp the shit out of him and we’ll find out what the hell is going on down there.” - Reggie

“You gotta be shittin’ me man! That mother’s strong!” - Mike


When I add up all the parts of PHANTASM, I am reasonably sure that it may be one of the most bonkers films ever made. Truthfully, that is exactly why I love it. Personally, I don't want a movie to resemble reality. I want slave dwarves with butterscotch blood. I want casket powerlifting. I want exploding hearses. I want to escape to something fantastic. PHANTASM is fun. If you haven't seen it, watch it immediately. Do it, "BOOOOOOOOOOY!" or you will be pissed at yourself when you finally see it.

SET YOURSELF UP:

- Buy a killer axe (see above).

- If you do not already own a Chrome Colt 1911 or Twelve Gauge Shotgun, buy one. Or both. Clutch them tightly while watching. Maybe even squeeze off a few rounds into the couch during the exciting parts of the movie.

- Get a casket. Put you Mother in it and see if you can successfully lift it by yourself. Have a laugh with her about how you're practicing for June 7th of 2034 because you are psychic and you know that's the day she will be buried.

- Get some Meatballs, Falafel, Gumballs, Cheeseballs, Oranges, Sourballs, Lollypops, Round Melons, Rocky Mountain Oysters or any other spherical food to snack on.

-M. McSlam

Box Art: JIM, THE WORLD'S GREATEST (1976)

I would love to have reviewed Don Coscarelli's first film, Jim, The World's Greatest, but unfortunately we weren't able to hunt it down in any format.  So, here it is as a box art.

Starring Angus Scrimm (The Tall Man) and Reggie Bannister, this movie looks totally sweet.  You can see Scrimm there on the far right, looking all alcoholic and stuff.  

Jim is presented as a trophy, which is pretty cool.  I mean, really.  

The Text:

The Cheerleader

The Girlfriend

The Brother

The Father

He took care of them all.

Well, I would say based on the text that Jim takes double good care of the girlfriend, assuming she's also the cheerleader.  He also takes care of his family.  Apparently his mom is not in the picture, or he just doesn't take care of her.

Or, maybe he "takes care" of them.  Like, in the mob sense.  Maybe Jim is the world's greatest hitman?

Because I've also read the description, I know Jim is a good guy and having seen Kenny & Company, I'm guessing the kids are very well portrayed and that some craziness happens.

Hopefully I'll see it someday.

-J. Moret

Review: KENNY & COMPANY

Directed by Don Coscarelli

1976

90 mins.  Color.
via YouTube

Anchor Bay released this on DVD back in 2005.  Since, it has gone out of print and is now hard to find and extremely expensive.  So, until it is re-released or more readily available, I was only able to view an incomplete film in seven parts on YouTube via some awesome dude named Phantasmed.  (Thank you).  However, because of that I can’t say my experience with the film was what I wanted it to be.  The aspect ratio was crunched down to 1:33 to fit an old television screen, so it was sort of... smushed.  Also, the different parts made for a short intermission every ten minutes.  And, the two parts missing were the last two.  Needless to say, this is not how Coscarelli would have wanted to show it, and if you have the opportunity to, buy it and watch it how it was supposed to be seen.  That being said, I’m just thankful I was able to see any of it at all.

When I heard Coscarelli had done a kids movie early on in his career, I knew I wanted to see it as soon as I possibly could.  What crazy treasures lie in wait as he unearths the secrets of childhood?  

Coscarelli is a very talented guy.  This film shows his ability to capture the emotions of what it’s like to be a kid.  In some ways, I think Coscarelli is very similar to Bob Clark.  Their careers are somewhat opposite.  Where Clark started in horror and finally made it in comedy (Porky’s, etc..), Coscarelli started in heartfelt and honest comedy (this and Jim, the World’s Greatest), he made it with horror (Phantasm, Beastmaster, Bubba Ho-Tep). There are more similarities, however, as this feels very similar to A Christmas Story.  It is episodic and fragmented, portraying those cataclysmic moments of childhood.  And, also similar to Clark’s view of childhood, this is not a PG foray into kid-dom without caveats.  These kids swear, look at Playboy and witness violence.

Kenny (played excellently by Dan McCann aka best-name-ever) is a white kid in suburban 1970s America.  It starts with him playing flag football, his father watching expectedly.  Kenny gets called in because some other kid is sucking big time.  His friend Doug, (A. Michael Baldwin, aka Mike from Phantasm), is the quarterback and Kenny makes a great catch, but proceeds to run the wrong direction.  Luckily Doug runs him down and turns him around, then makes a (now illegal) chop-block to let Kenny dive into the endzone.  It’s a pretty wonderful image of friendship that Coscarelli plays on for the rest of the film.  This isn’t a dramatic / traumatic view of betrayal, but a portrayal of devoted friends.

At first, I thought this didn’t feel anything like the Coscarelli I know.  However, as it goes it just gets crazier and crazier and Coscarelli’s sensibilities shine through.  For instance, there is a moment later on when Doug’s dad is doing a show & tell thing about his job for their football team.  Doug’s dad tells them he is a Secret Service officer.  One of the kids asks to see his gun.  Doug’s dad says of course, unloads the gun and hands it to the kid!  The kid then proceeds to cock it and point it at the coach’s head.  Then, he pulls the trigger!  At this point I was laughing so hard, I couldn’t focus on what I just saw.  

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself.  Kenny has to deal with all the regular problems of childhood.  He’s got a bully named Johnny,  which may be a trope nowadays, but for most kids this is still all too much of a reality.  The cruelty felt in school then, as now, is misunderstood by parents.  Here, Kenny’s dad tells him to stand up to the bully and punch him in the mouth.  Not surprisingly, this strategy does not go well for Kenny.  

At the same time, Coscarelli isn’t painting a picture of a bunch of sweet victims.  Kenny and Doug have a little neighbor, Sherman, who wants to be their friend and they treat him terribly.  Granted, Sherman is super annoying, but the passage of cruelty from bully to victim to victim is so apparent.  At the same time, he shows how adults can shape the ways that kids see the world.  For instance, Mr. Donovan (played by the amazing Reggie Bannister aka Reggie from Phantasm), is a wonderful teacher who reaches out to the new kid, who speaks very little English, Paco.  

The one moment that I found truly devastating was when Kenny learned that his dog, Bob, would need to be put to sleep.  Earlier in the film, Kenny takes Bob out to the backyard, and just lays by him as Bob is too old and sick to play.  There is a heart-destroying sequence where Kenny rides in the backseat of his parents car, clutching Bob tightly all the way there.  I remember that exact moment when we put down my childhood dog, Cathy.  At that point, I had never known sadness to be so deep and dark.  And, Coscarelli portrays it perfectly.  Kenny starts asking questions.  Not growing up in a religious family, Kenny’s parents leave the afterlife pretty ambiguous.  Soon after, Kenny and Doug witness a bloody car accident, leaving more questions.  Having been raised by a very Christian family, these questions were almost met with definitive answers.  Heaven.  God.  Hell.  Eternal life.  But, it was fascinating for me to watch what a young kid does with those questions when there are no concrete answers.  It’s exciting to see that ambiguity and existential mystery that he would later play off and expand on in the Phantasm movies.

And, that's where my viewing ended.  I can only speculate as to how it actually ends.  There is some allusion to Halloween and going into the crazy old lady's house.  I'm assuming this happens and goes badly.  I’m also assuming there is an awesome scare somewhere in there and that Sherman has his come-uppance.

Either way, however it ends up, I thoroughly enjoyed my time with Kenny and Company.

Here's a fan video with the theme song for you...

Trivia:

• This is Coscarelli's second film.  It sets up his brilliant career working with Reggie Bannister and Michael Baldwin.  
• It appears that Baldwin and McCann may do their own skateboard and stock car stunts.  I have no proof to confirm or deny that speculation.  (this is fake trivia, as I can find basically nothing...)

Set Yourself Up:

• Build a dummy and name it Otis to watch the movie with you and some dear friends.  
• Tater-Tot Hot Dish (or the equivalent regional comfort food that reminds you of dinner with your family): John's TTHD.  preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Brown a pound and a half of extra lean hamburger.  Once it's browned, pour it onto a plate covered with paper towels. (get some of that meat grease off).  Then pour it into a glass casserole dish (9 x 13).  Then pour two cans of cream of mushroom and two cans of cream of celery in.  Add a pound of fresh (or frozen if you want more liquid) Green beans.  Spread beans and soups evenly with spatula over meat.  Add one bag Ore Ida taters on top.  Bake for 45 mins.

The Goods:
The Anchor Bay release has what sounds like a decent transfer and a trailer.  The YouTube version is an incomplete smushed mess in seven parts.  Which you can watch below.

-J.Moret

you can watch it via Youtube, from Phantasmed channel: http://www.youtube.com/user/Phantasmed