Collecting Physical Media is a dying hobby. Digital Media is becoming more overwhelming and prevalent all the time. Streaming services offer what seems to be an unlimited amount of titles. However, services like Netflix and Hulu are actually far more limited and temporary. So, in our hunt to find interesting titles that can only be obtained physically, I offer you MUTANT.
The Description: "The residents of the small midwestern town of Goodland casually go about their daily business. (So far so good. I'm from the midwest! I go about my business!) Unaware of the danger that lurks below. At first the unusual disappearance of a few visitors goes unnoticed, then the reality of a threat becomes apparent as the once crowded streets suddenly become deserted. BO HOPKINS and JENNIFER WARREN star in this ghoulish tale of toxic terror as a nearby chemical plant's illegal dumping of deadly wastes finally takes its toll, transforming its victims into crazed mutants who crave human blood to survive. The bizaree, evil mutations must all somehow be killed, but what about the toxic threat - waiting in silent anticipation for its next victim?"
The Evaluation: Mutant really sucks. You look at that box and you think, "Wow, what a cool looking movie. It's gonna be a big time Alien rip-off and it'll be super fun!" That is not an accurate representation. Even though BO HOPKINS is spelled in capital letters on the back and there is a description of a ghoulish tale and all, it still sucks. Matt and I started this one night, just wanting something fun we could sort of pay attention to and talk during. To our dismay, this movie had basically no action. I don't even remember it. I think they got run off a road, and one pushed out a window and some weird creature made a guy fall asleep... And, all that makes it sound WAY cooler than it really was. That being said, I still love this art. Look at that big malformed beast with the weird teeth! People are dirty on the back! That description also makes it sound like, Alien on the Earth! You know what's better than this? ARENA: STEVE ARMSTRONG VS HORN. Check that out. - J. Moret
THE SANTA CLAUSE
Walt Disney Pictures
97 Minutes, Rated PG (for a few crude moments)
1994
Also Known As:
Санта Клаус
With Christmas upon us, nothing reminds me of the worst Christmas of my entire life quite like THE SANTA CLAUSE. In fact, Tim Allen's trend of fame reflects the worst period of my entire life.
THE SATAN CLAUSE came out the same year my parents got divorced. I also had mononucleosis so bad that year I was referred to the Mayo Clinic. With Tim Allen being everywhere on TV, and with horrible mono all I could do was watch TV. I associate Tim the TOOLman with with the greatest of my first world problems.
"OHHHH NO (grunt style)!"
THE MOVIE:
This isn't about Santa. IT'S A MOVIE ABOUT DIVORCE AND BEING A HORRIBLE FATHER! According to the movie, the only way a divorced father can be a good father is to BECOME SANTA CLAUS.
My Dad sucks. When my parents got divorced, he never took me to the north pole.
Anyway. Scott Calvin (Shithead Allen) is a terrible father. He's a workaholic (similar to my dad. . . oh wait, no, he was an alcoholic, apparently that's different). He never has time for his son Charlie.
While Charlie is at Scott's home for Christmas, they scare Santa. He falls off the roof and croaks. Now Scott has to take over the reigns of Jolly old Saint dick.
Rosewood, what have you done.
Taking on the role of Santa makes Scott look like a pedophile while trying to win a custody battle for his son. He loses custody of Charlie while blowing up like a toilet at high traffic KFC in Orlando. He gets ultra fat and his hair turns grey.
Then he convinces his ex-wife and Judge Reinhold that he really is Santa by giving them a wienie whistle. Now they love him and are perfectly ok with their 8 year old son flying around the globe with a dirty coked out fat guy.
It's as if Disney executives saw a USA Today story about how high divorce rates were getting and decided it would be cool if they could make a Christmas classic for the divorced kid demographic.
Christmas movies should never use child custody battles as a plot device. I realize that I may be being a bit overly sensitive about it. My life has been pretty good. However, my parent's divorce was the single most devastating event in my life. I don't want a damn Christmas movie reminding me of it every single year.
Even if I didn't have such cold experiences with life during this films initial run, I think I would still hate it. It's too much of a family drama. It reminds me of those VHS / after-school specials that came with worksheets to complete with your parents about subjects such as drugs, sex, divorce etc. They'd usually star Malcolm Jamal-Warner or things like this would happen:
There were two more movies in this series too. I can only imagine the horrors that await me when I inadvertently see one of those.
I apologize for the extreme negative tone of this review. I probably come off as a hateful bastard. But tell me honestly, do you think THE SANTA CLAUSE has any redeeming qualities aside from smiling and farting reindeer (Crude moments)?
This week, Matt and John discuss the films of Chester Novell Turner. Turner is the director of the very obscure films, BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL and TALES FROM THE QUADEAD ZONE. At turns fascinating, morally reprehensible, hilarious, and thought provoking, his films are finally able to be found on a new release from Massacre Video. Our discussion veers from misogyny in horror film to suicide, to really good audio mixing.
You can subscribe to our podcast on iTunes, or you can check it out here: Check out this episode!
BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL
Director: Chester N. Turner
70 Minutes
Not Rated (Mild Language, Extended Scenes of Possesed Doll Fornication)
1984
It's a real nightmare.
Has anyone ever said this to you:
"You have never seen anything like this."
It's something as a fan of the obscure and strange that I encounter quite often. However, saying this about Black Devil Doll from Hell is the only time I feel that actually using this phrase truly applies.
I went in to viewing this film thinking it would be a Pre-Chucky killer doll flick. Holy Hot God Damn. . . I was more than wrong. I was completely unprepared for what I saw.
"She's foxy, classy, ohhh, sexy, sassy. She's heavenly, a treat for the eyes to see."
GTFO OF HERE!
Helen Black is a sweet, overly religious woman with sin surrounding her at every turn. Her friends want to set her up with men and leave church early, she can't walk down the street without having people try to sell her stolen goods. She is the sole shining holy light of the South-Side of Chicago.
A sample of Helen's Home Decor.
Like most crazy religious people, she loves talking to inanimate objects and thinking they're real.
So she wanders into a curio shop and buys a doll that looks like Rick James. The shop owners gives Helen a story about how she's had the doll in her shop on several different occasions and how it grants it's owner it's deepest darkest desires.
As a hyper religious zealot, Helen represses all of her desires. After bringing the doll home while singing "Jesus Loves Me" she sets the doll on the toilet and proceeds to shower. The doll "makes her" touch herself. Annnnnnnnnnd the following 30 minutes of the 70 minute feature, the doll forces itself on Helen sexually, after while, Helen digs it.
The doll eventually disappears and returns to the curio shop. Helen is lost. She no longer has the power of sex to get her through the day. She was victim of the doll, now her insatiable desire for sex must be satisfied. She has sex with some dudes and nothing but the abusive and violent doll can hit the spot.
Member of the Dazz Band
Is this a comment about repressed desires? Is it a "Be Careful What You Wish For" story? Is it a comment about the state of Christianity? Is it about addiction? Is it a comment about Rape and sympathizing with the attacker? Is it about demonic possession? Is it a comment on inner city crime? Is it a comment about dolls that look like Rick James? Is this really even a movie? Surprisingly, it's something, and that's what makes it interesting.
Sing it STEVIE!
Being a Shot-On-Video production, it's about what you would expect. It's shot in about 4 locations: A house, a bar, a church, and the curio shop. There's one character and two other dudes. The music, while fantastic, is nothing more than a Casio and a broke ass Stevie Wonder Singing into a cassette recorder. It looks like garbage, it is honestly one of the worst looking SOV movies I have ever seen. It's shaky, washed out, and questionably edited. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Aww Hell Naw.
I have omitted many of the more bizarre moments of the movie. There are many moments of this movie that must been seen to be believed.
THE BACK STORY:
The New York Times wrote a piece that covers the background of this film quite well. It offers real research and quotes of those who have had a hand in making this movie. as well as finally making it available again. I highly recommend checking it out: CLICK HERE TO READ A GOOD ARTICLE.
If you don't want to read that, here's a quick background:
Negative Art = Art
Chester Turner had a camcorder. He wanted to make a movie. He enlisted his Muse, Shirley Jones and his Brother Keefe to Puppeteer and Voice the doll. The movie, while completely uncommon as a VHS tape, was released and the film did hit video store shelves.
Basically after Turner made his follow up to Black Devil Doll, Tales From The Quadead Zone, and VHS collecting became a thing a few years back, the rumor was spread that Turner was dead. He isn't and he is currently doing Q and As around the Nation with his films.
If you enjoy Shot On Video or bizarre movies, Black Devil Doll from Hell should serve as the foundation of the sub-genre. It is truly an experience that will never be duplicated. Now that it has been officially released on DVD (along with Chester Turner's SOV masterwork, Tales from the Quadead Zone), I recommend everyone purchase this truly bizarre piece of movie history. Click Here to check it out on Amazon.
John and I recorded a podcast about the film during the time I was in Minnesota in early November which should be posted in the coming week.
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