Review: THE AMBULANCE

Directed by Larry Cohen
1990
91 mins. Color.
World Premiere Video VHS

Larry Cohen's THE AMBULANCE is a weird animal.  Not that that is a surprise when watching a Cohen film.  His films are always genre-bending and more thoughtful than your regular schlock.

This particular film starts with a mullet-clad Eric Roberts, who is pretty attracted to some random girl on the street.  He approaches her for a date, there is some witty banter, and then the beautiful lady Cheryl collapses.  An ambulance shows up, they cart the lady into the ambulance, and she disappears.  Roberts visits every hospital in the city and there is no sight of her.

Turns out Roberts is a talented comic book artist who works for Stan Lee.  (Yep, that Stan Lee, character name Marvel Comic Editor).  Lee advises him to not go after sick girls, but he goes to the police anyway.  Unlucky for him, James Earl Jones is the crazy anti-comics detective, Lieutenant Spencer.

Anyway, Roberts is wandering the streets with a badly drawn sketch of the woman, that Jones aptly describes as Veronica from Archie.  Roberts eventually finds her roommate via the Veronica sketch, and they go on the hunt together.  They head to her work based on a mysterious message on the answering machine.  Little do they know that the evil ambulance and a bunch of horses will knock down Eric Roberts and make off with the roommate.

Next thing you know, Eric Roberts is having a breakdown, believes he is being poisoned, and ends up in the hospital.  While there, an awesome crazy old man, (retired newspaperman Elias) saves his life and they become partners in the mystery.

The Ambulance takes Elias, Jones hunts it down, takes a scalpel to the chest, gets run over, and enjoys an unhealthy amount of gum.  So, hot babe cop Sandra takes on the case and teams up with Roberts, only to land him in a junkyard where he gets beaten to a pulp by street toughs.  Bummer for him, The Ambulance is gonna take him away.  Well, the street toughs are easily convinced to then attack the Ambulance attendants, resulting in the best fight in cinema history.

Street toughs are disposed of, and Roberts then manages to get the back door of the ambulance open.  Unfortunately he's strapped into a gurney, this results in the best gurney luge scene in cinema history.

Skeaze-out Dance club head-butt, mob trampling madness and the power of Roberts' mullet end this film pretty perfectly.

Good Hair

The Evaluation:
All the twists and turns are goofy.  The comedy is spot on.  The only thing that's really missing is funny explosions.  Cohen has a way of making things absurdly fun, and this film is no exception.  I must say, I was a little hesitant, based on the cover and the fact that here is basically no real press about it.  But, I was happily surprised at how fun and crazy this film was.    If you're looking for a fun little movie, check this out.

Before you go all diabetic:

• Grain Belt Premium is in order
• I'm gonna say Little Ceasar's or Pizza Hut.  Too bad they no longer have the big foot.  Man, that massive long pizza was the best.  Too bad there is no Crystal Clear Pepsi to go with it.  Now, I'm just sad.

-J. Moret

Review: SUMMER SCHOOL

Summer School

Directed by Carl Reiner

1987

97 minutes. PG-13

VHS from Paramount

I have this memory about Summer School (the movie, not the school). I remember being picked up by my dad on the last day of school; I must have been in fourth or fifth grade. He asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that I want to go to Home Video (my local video store) and rent SUMMER SCHOOL! I remember thinking to myself: "This is the best way to start summer!" I have no clue why I thought this was the best way to kick off summer but I had it in my head that it was the greatest idea ever and this it made perfect sense to watch a movie about kids stuck in school for the summer when mine was just beginning school free. I think I tried to make it a tradition but it never stuck. Regardless, my dad and I had a blast watching this wacky, good natured and strangely gory comedy.

Summer School stars Mark Harmon (best known for NCIS) as lovable gym teacher Freddy Shoop. It’s the last day of school and he’s got his hot girlfriend waiting for him in the parking lot with two tickets to Hawaii. Unfortunately for him, the teacher that was supposed to teach summer school just won the lottery and quit, leaving the dick bag of a Vice-Principal to blackmail Shoop into teaching summer school otherwise he doesn’t get tenure! His girlfriend takes one of the tickets and leaves without him. Even as a kid I thought that shit was cold. Also what if that ticket was non-refundable? A ticket to Hawaii is probably expensive. That Vice-Principal owes Shoop like, a BUNCH of money. So the now single Shoop is supposed to teach an English class full of “weirdos” and “losers”. The only problem is that Shoop is a gym teacher and knows nothing about actual teaching. The weirdos and losers are totally awesome by the way. There’s a kid who sleeps all day and happens to be a stripper at night, a pregnant chick, a hot foreign exchange student, a dumb nerd, and a dyslexic girl. They are basically the summer school version of the X-Men with each one possessing a different ability (and yes, I do realize that I just called dyslexia an ability).  The Wolverine and Cyclops of this group are Chainsaw and Dave. They are two horror obsessed movie nerds who are really good at make-up and gore effects. Those two and Mark Harmon’s irresistible charm are what make this movie for me.

This movie is just super fun. There's not a whole lot to distinguish this from other movies about misfits in school but it has an indescribable charm to it. It never takes itself too seriously and even in it's most dramatic moments it manages to stay light-hearted. When Shoop finds out that one of his students has dyslexia, most movies would make a really dramatic scene out of it with dramatic music in the background and serious faces and crying and other shit like that but Summer School just points out that this girl has dyslexia and rolls with it. No big deal. That's how this movie handles all of it's problems. Girl can't read? No big deal, Shoop'll help her learn. Pregnancy girl needs a Lamaze coach? No big deal, Shoop'll help her out. Everyone needs to pass the English test at the end of the summer otherwise they can't graduate AND Shoop will be out of a job? No big dea... no wait, that is a big deal. The movie goes from a montage of Shoop and the students not caring and going on insane field trip after insane field trip to a montage of them working hard and studying for the big test. I love me some montages and this movie is basically one big montage. It's fantastic. 

There is a moment in this movie that has always stuck with me. When the class is on a field trip to a petting zoo and are leaving to go back to school Chainsaw and Dave burst out of a barn with four rabbits ripping apart their faces. They scream for help as they peel the rabbits off, ripping the flesh off their cheeks. They fall to the ground and bleed out. Cut to the class cheering and the foreign exchange student totally freaked out. They get up, show that it was just make-up and the foreign exchange student LOVES it. Classic. I wanted nothing more than to do something like that to impress the hot chicks in my class but unfortunately I was not skilled in the art of special effects and as it turns out chicks are not really into that sort of thing. Who knew!? 

I have many fond memories of this film and unlike many films of my youth, this one still holds up. Director Carl Reiner brought a warmth and charm that hit the right chords for me both as a kid and as an adult. Light-hearted, a tad inspirational and totally rad. Summer School is a great way to start the summer!

Set Yourself Up:

• If you want to be as cool as Shoop then grab a jar of peanut butter and spoon and you're good to go.
• If you need a beverage then I would go for something summer-y: pina coladas or strawberry margaritas

-T. Reinert

Interview: TERRORVISION

This week, I interview TERRORVISION.  It was a short-lived local podcast about finding great treasures.  Only ten episodes long, it was still one of the more enjoyable film podcasts I've ever heard.  The memebers are now scattered across the country, and we came together to discuss how it all came together, the future, and Red Lobster.

You can subscribe to our podcast on iTunes or you can listen here:
http://traffic.libsyn.com/allstarvideo/Terrorvision_Interview.mp3

Thanks for listening!
-J. Moret

Box Art: THE DENTIST

Collecting Physical Media is a dying hobby.  Digital Media is becoming more overwhelming and prevalent all the time.  Streaming services offer what seems to be an unlimited amount of titles.  However, services like Netflix and Hulu are actually far more limited and temporary.  So, in our hunt to find interesting titles that can only be obtained physically, I offer you THE DENTIST.

The Description:

“Dr. Alan Feinstone (Corbin Bernsen) is a rich and successful Beverly Hills dentist. In fact, he is so much more - a fine connoisseur of music, the owner of a palatial mansion, and the proud husband of a beautiful wife. There’s only one problem - he’s insane. Dr. Feinstone loves perfection, and he expects it of everyone. Unfortunately, no one is perfect. This unacceptable fact annoys the good doctor and leads him to commit his one small imperfection: murder. Murder is so messy, and Dr. Feinstone hate messes. But sometimes he just can’t help killing a patient or two.”

The Box:

Dentists can be scary. They stick needles in your mouth, scrape your teeth, floss you until you bleed, and they drill in your face. That’s the worst. They stick a drill in your mouth and drill right into your teeth. Sure, it’s all your fault for eating all that candy and drinking all that dew but… but… SHIT! That is some scary real-life shit. The cover depicts this horrific act right before it’s about to happen. The girl is obviously scared out of her mind as the drill approaches. The doctor’s gloved hand seems to clench with pleasure as he dives into her funky mouth. “IT’S BEEN SIX MONTHS. TIME FOR YOUR CHECK-UP!” Six months? Try six years. I’m SUPER due for a check-up. 

The box got me with the “From the Creators of Re-Animator”, a beloved classic of the messed up horror movie genre. The Dentist was directed by Brian Yuzna, the producer of Re-Animator. However, if you are expecting Re-Animator style awesomeness, you will be disappointed. On the back cover it states, “Produced by Pierre David, one of Hollywood’s most prolific and successful producers, with his hits like PLATOON and INTERNAL AFFAIRS.” Three questions here: 1) Who the fuck knows who Pierre David is? 2) Who the fuck cares who Pierre David is? 3) Are they really putting The Dentist in leagues with Platoon??? Winner of four Oscars, Platoon?!?

"The movie I'm most proud of is The Dentist" - Pierre David

The description depicts Dr. Feinstone as a perfectionist, which is funny because the description has a typo, “...and Dr. Feinstone hate messes.” Dr. Feinstone would totally schedule an appointment with that writer. 

The Film:

It’s pretty fun. Yuzna makes great use of the feeling of invasiveness of someone poking around your mouth and the general fear that surrounds dentists. I cringed everytime he fucked with someone’s teeth. Corbin Bernsen was great as Feinstone and I really enjoyed his descent into madness. At one point, he is holding a gun in a girl’s face, ready to blow her brains out and she pleads for her life. He lets her go when she promises to brush her teeth 3 times a day and to never eat candy again. It’s a truly hilarious scene. The Dentist is this middle of the road movie that is far from greatness, yet isn’t that bad, which in the end makes it sort of forgettable. That is, until you have a toothache. One of the final scenes has Feinstone running around and chasing a young girl and he yells, “You can’t hide! Not from your DENTIST!” Wrong. I've been hiding for six years and my teeth... hurt. I should probably go to a dentist...

-T. Reinert

Review: BLACK EAGLE

Black Eagle

Director: Eric "I Hate This Guy" Karson

Rated R

107 Minutes, 1988

The Coverart is the best part about this movie.

Action. The name of the genre itself would make one think that there will never a boring film that belongs in the category. That's obviously not true. One shining example of this is the 1988 "Action" film Black Eagle.

Black Eagle is a piece of shit. It is not the most boring action movie I have ever seen. It's the most boring movie I have ever seen. Period. It's a damn shame too.

The movie is about a plane with some super secret weapons technology. The plane goes down in the sea. The Russians want to recover the American technology from the depths. The Americans, obviously want to prevent that from happening.

Ken Tani (Sho Kosugi) is a special operative assigned to protecting and recovering the weapon technology. However, much of his time on screen is spent diving or trying his best to be a Ninja Dad to his kids. His kids (played by his real life children) are essentially held hostage by the CIA on a nearby island to ensure Tani completes the mission and remains loyal.

Fo Sho'

The Russians suck. They are non-descript and completely uninspired. They aren't evil. They aren't crazy stereotypes. They aren't fun. In one of his earliest roles, Jean-Claude VanDamme plays the main Russian Henchman by the name of Andrei. It's amazing to see how uninspiring and how little charisma VanDamme shows in this picture. This film was released the same year as Bloodsport. In Bloodsport, VanDamme is charming and totally kickass. In this, he's looks like he'd rather be working at White Castle.

The same thing goes for Sho Kosugi. I haven't seen all of his movies or anything, but he typically comes off as a totally badass ninja dude. In Black Eagle, there are so few action scenes of note, he looks like a wimpy TV Movie Dad that occasionally stabs people in the belly.

Sho betta rekognize.

The cover art for this movie made it seem totally awesome. Sho Kosugi Vs. VanDamme should be an extravaganza or awesome martial arts. Instead, its very TV Movie-ish. The music reminds me of a Universal Monster movie (which is great for those movies, not this one). The film is mostly scenes of Babysitting kids, diving, and running around grey Maltese ruins. . . but VanDamme still does the splits about 14 times. So it may be worth watching if you're into that.

- M. McSlam