Review: CLASS OF 1999

Directed by Mark. L. Lester
1990
99 mins.  Washed out blues, yellows & reds.
Vestron Video VHS, circa 1991

My friend Andy just gave up his left kidney to his brother Doug, and so he was home from work for a few weeks.  My way of taking care of him was bringing over Class of 1999, and I'm pretty sure it's gone a long way in helping him recover. So, this review comes along with Andy's drugged out impressions of the film as well as my own.

With Class of 1999, Mark L. Lester (Commando, Showdown in Little Tokyo) has crafted a very strange, seemingly impossible to market, teen action sci-fi dystopian future gang drug movie.  There are tons of huge explosions and a lot of fun moments.  If this type of film were made now, I think it would be more straightforward, PG-13 and have big teeny-bopper stars in it, ie: Robert Rodriguez' The Faculty.  Instead, what you get is a License to Drive, The Warriors meets Terminator world where the only adults are robots or teachers or both.

The Rundown:

In the future, (the very distant 1999), gangs will run all inner-city schools in the states and every student will dress like they're in a Prince video.  It's gonna be sweet.  The neighborhoods surrounding the schools will become free-fire zones that no longer have police protection.  Malcolm McDowell will be a super-cool principal with a super-tall daughter.  Pam Grier will be a robot teacher who takes no shit from no one.

Cody Culp (poor-man's Stephen Dorff) gets out of prison and is determined to walk the straight and narrow, even though his brother (little dude from Near Dark) and best friend (poor-man's Billy Drago) are stoned out on some future drug called Edge.  Edge is like a vial cocaine-ecstacy.

Stacy Keach sports a greasy blonde rat-tail and weird albino eyes, as he leads a group of new android teachers trying to gain order.  They are designed to make decisions like whether to educate or discipline, and whether to use fight combination #1, #2 or karate moves.

Andy is pretty sure this is where the idea for "The Wire" Season 3 came from.  Makes sense.

Cody and the principal's daughter get curious, find out the teachers' secret and a chase scene between a Ford Taurus and a dirt-bike ensues.  The teachers end up in the drink and Cody shows his mad basketball skillz.  So, they implement war games and the little dude from Near Dark gets tossed.

Some of the students do wear jeggings, so, they got that right I guess.  (Andy's point)  The teachers' plan worked, as the gangs go up against one another while a Terminator ripoff song plays.  Lots of tossing, breaking of necks, shooting, grenades, etc...

Andy thinks Cody's duds (purple bandana under a baseball cap with a sport jacket that has frills) is also pretty accurate to how young people dress now.

"Inside this school are three inhuman teaching monsters"

Andy thinks it should've ended with a disgusting hardcore sex scene, as that seems to be the natural progression.

The Evaluation:

Totally sweet.  Mark L. Lester's films are all successful, in that they give you exactly what you're looking for. Stripped to the bone, they are generally, like this film, the extension to which you can take these genres.  This is no exception.  Class of 1999 is not polished and it's not well plotted out, but every moment of it is pretty damn fun.

Set Yourself Up:

• Buy a sport coat, cut off the bottom half and then sew on some Ultimate Warrior type frills on it.  Wear a backwards baseball cap.  They'll do that a lot in the future.
• Get some Pepsi.  That stuff is futuristic.  

Trivia:

• Malcolm McDowell was only on set for 2 days.  That's amazing because he is in a lot of this movie.  They must've shot everything once, never re-lit anything or had much coverage of any kind.  And... you can tell.
• Lester is part of American World Pictures (distribution company responsible for masterpieces like Piranhaconda, directed by All-Star Video favorite Jim Wynorsky)

The Goods:

The VHS is totally great, but there is also a DVD release from some random company.  The DVD artwork is absolutely horrible, however.

-J. Moret

Box Art: PURPLE RAIN

PURPLE RAIN

Director: Albert Magnoli

1984

Warner Home Video

Genius is a word tossed about with reckless abandon. It does not apply to very many people. However, Prince is one of the few who have set foot on this planet that word should be attached to. . . at least in the realm of music. Mozart, Bach, Beethoven, Brian Wilson, and Prince.

In 1982 Prince released his first album that truly cemented his pop sensibilities, funkiness,  electronic voyeurism,  and sexual energy. 1999 was released to rave reviews from music fans and critics alike.

Rather than just trying to top his previous album, Prince released a more refined version of 1999 and on top of that, released the semi-biographical film PURPLE RAIN.

The album and movie were both resounding successes. Prince was now being thrust into the same category of 80's superstardom as Michael Jackson and Madonna.

BEING HONEST:

The music is phenomenal. The movie is sort of a mixed bag.

The film is melodramatic and soap opera like.

The acting is hit and miss. Other than Prince's Father (Clarence Williams III)  and Mother (Olga Karlatos), none of the other people in the film are actors. As an actor, Prince is pretty terrible. Morris Day is charming and went on to act in a few other movies. The "live" musical numbers are what make this movie worth watching. It's essentially a really long music video, which in 1984, was mind blowing and ground breaking.

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:

The film was originally quite a bit longer. There is a shooting draft script out there. It truly fleshes out the story. Most of the original script was shot and left on the cutting room floor. Many snippets of footage can be seen in the "When Doves Cry" montage, which "When Doves Cry" was written for. Had the film not been trimmed, that song may not exist.

The full script makes the final cut of the movie look pretty crappy by comparison. Considering the final cut was almost two hours however, makes me slightly thankful a three hour long version doesn't exist.

THE BOX

Since this box art overview has essentially become a mini-review, I'm going to stop talking about the movie and discuss the video box.

It looks like the album art. Which is really smart. It keeps all of the media surrounding the release recognizable and unified. Just like the music releases, Prince is on his sweet ride with Apollonia starring on longingly. The dark image is bordered by a white backing scattered with flowers.

As a side note, as a child I though the flowers in the white border were fruits and vegetables. I was kind of stupid.

THE TAPE:

When I picked up the tape, I thought the tape label was the coolest part. Rather than boring text, Warner Brothers decided to add some color and the main album image to the label. Very cool.

Most of the titles we touch on here at All-Star Video are not mainstream titles, PURPLE RAIN is just about as mainstream as it gets. It's an entertaining movie that's music completely outshines the content of the picture. It isn't a musical, but it really isn't a straight up narrative film either. It's sort of a mutated version of both. The more you watch it, the more disjointed and awkward it gets. It's great.

- M. McSlam

Review: DEVIL TIMES FIVE (aka Peopletoys aka Horrible House on the Hill)

Directed by Sean McGregor and David Sheldon
1974
Color.  88 mins.
VHS, released by Phantom Pain Films

"Not since 'Village of the Damned' has death become so savage... or survival so hopeless!"

Gratuitous / perfect slow-motion, Leif Garret (the Justin Bieber of the 1970s), psychopathic murderous children, a character named Papa Doc, an awesome alternative title and super sweet goofy music make this one of my highlight purchases from Cinema Wasteland. Distributed by Phantom Pain Films (what seems to be a great little one-man-operation) and limited to 50 VHS copies.

Production was a disaster.  Director Sean McGregor was forced to leave the set after a few weeks of shooting and David Sheldon took over.  Much of the footage McGregor shot doesn't make it into the final cut, as it was deemed "unusable."

The great thing about disasters like this is that you can actually see it fall apart on screen.  In certain scenes Leif Garret is wearing a terrible wig, the snow cover is gone, characters seem more tan, etc...  It also provides for very strange editing, which gives the film a disorienting feel.

The Rundown:
Jarring and disorienting editing makes it unclear, but I'm pretty sure that a yellow van crashes on a mountain road, and five little kids in the back survive.  They take what they can from the dead driver and proceed to look for shelter.  Due to Leif Garret's ingenuity, they make it to a large resort home owned by Papa Doc.  Papa Doc hates his son-in-law, Rick, who has slept with the housekeeper, Lovely, which apparently turns on his wife, Julia.  There is also a "handyman" named Ralph who is a little slow, but loves his rabbits.  Harvey Beckman is an alcoholic who hates his life and especially his boss, Papa Doc.  Ruth Beckman is also an alcoholic, who has no respect for her husband.

The kids:
Leif Garret (David) - cross-dressing kid who is "smart" but can't beat Harvey Beckman at chess, and can't split wood, but is able to split skulls
Sister - novice nun with glasses who is good at doing dishes and drowning grown women
Ralph - non-descript little man
Brian - little soldier who loves to gamble and threaten little girls with being "punched in the mouth"
Susan - hippy who loves fire

Julia teases Ralph about sex.  It's very uncomfortable.  Lovely and Julie have a pretty killer "fight" that doesn't make a whole lot sense.

The kids murder some random dude in super slow-mo.  It's amazing.

The unsuspecting residents of the resort take in the five kids.  However, any mention of parents and the kids quiet down.  Papa Doc continues to have a sweet name and get mad about everything.  The kids sneak away and rig up the generator to kill Ralph, which it does, in superb fashion.  Rick finds him and suspects foul play.

From there, it gets awesome.  Though I would love to go into the details of the rest of the film, I believe it's probably best seen for yourself.

Leif

The Evaluation:
This is pretty damn awesome.  Each character is distinctive and each kill is creative and funny.  The music is hilarious "nursery-rhymey" and the acting is superbly messed up.  This is one of those little gems that I would've never seen if Phantom Pain hadn't done such a great job putting it out.

Trivia:

• Sister Hannah (Gail Smalle) was allegedly director Sean McGregor's underage girlfriend, and wore a red habit to hide her albinism
• Lovely was played by Carolyn Stellar, Leif Garret's mother

Set Yourself Up:

• Perfect for anytime, but if possible, the best watching experience is someday when you are inside by the fire and it's snowing outside.  
• I recommend wearing a habit, military gear or cross-dressing
• Drink a "hundred dollar bottle of wine"
• Big Time Pot Roast

The Goods:

If you have a chance, try to pick up a copy from Phantom Pain Films.  The VHS comes in a very nice big box with excellent original artwork.  Since he made such a limited number of copies, you may have a hard time, but visit www.phantompainfilms.com for any info.

-J. Moret

Review: STARCRASH

Directed by Luigi Cozzi

1978

92 mins. Color.

It would be easy to write a review of Luigi Cozzi’s (credited in the U.S. as Lewis Coates) 1978 space opera Starcrash by merely creating a list of the joyfully absurd and fantastic moments that pepper its runtime. If a cowboy police robot, a constantly changing wardrobe of leather space bikinis, a giant Amazon robot with nipples, and a young, eye-shadowed David Hasselhoff can’t convince you that the film is worth your time, than I can only conclude that you’re an emotionless slug with a miserable life. However, there’s plenty more that can be said about the film than a simple highlights list.

When writing about Starcrash, it’s nearly impossible to not draw comparisons to Star Wars, though it’s a poor way to view the film. It was undoubtedly made to siphon from Lucas’ cash cow. Laser swords, quirky robot sidekicks, planet-sized super weapons, etc... all make an appearance, but much like Batman and the Joker in the Adam West series they end up serving as a sort of gateway into a more colorful, manic vision than the source material. If you approach this film from a hard nosed science fiction angle, it’s gleeful abandonment of physics and scientific reality will be nails screeching across your mental chalkboard. Instead, it’s best to focus on just how much goddamned fun it all is. And that’s really what Starcrash seems to be about. Forget a gloomy, grand confrontation between good and evil, this is about how much fun it is to fly around space battling robots and saving the galaxy.

Many Starcrash fans and reviewers have focused on one time Bond-girl and prolific horror film actor Caroline Munro’s lead performance as Stella Star, but for me the real treasure is her wily sidekick Akton, played by one of my personal heros (no joke), Marjoe Gortner. Gortner was raised by abusive parents who forced him into revivalist preaching at the tender age of 4. A couple dramatic decades and a crisis of conscience later, he opted to out himself as a fraudulent traveling evangelist in the brilliant, Oscar winning documentary, Marjoe. From there he turned to acting, bringing with him an infectious charisma gleaned from his years of crowd manipulating evangelistic performances. His character Akton possesses Jedi-like powers (and weaponry), but wields them with Han Solo’s roguish charm and a sense of fun loving wonder. Akton’s gleeful outbursts when shooting down enemy fighters and knowing smirk before revealing plot secrets give a sense of just how much fun Gortner is having.

And then there’s The Hoff. There’s an eerie prescience to how Starcrash builds the anticipation for Hasselhoff’s appearance. It’s as if it knew that the young actor would become the most widely recognized name  in the credits (there’s a good argument to be made for Christopher Plummer in that race, though) and kept him hidden until the third act to tease the modern audience. But this is not your childhood’s Hasselhoff. Bulging pectorals and machoism are replaced by eye shadow and male-model femininity.

Hoff

I’ve barely scratched the surface of Starcrash’s absurd appeal. The over dramatic villain Count Zarth Arn, the physically and logically absurd soldier-filled space torpedoes that crash through space station windows, the colorful star field that looks like an out of focus Lite Brite... There’s just too much fun to be had. Some think it’s a travesty when they learn that one of their friends has never seen Star Wars. Personally, I’m much more reactionary about Starcrash. I’ve watched a fair number of low-budget sci fi from all over film history, and there are very few that so consistently deliver so much campy fun and fantasy. Even as you speak it’s been taken care of.

Getting yourself in the mood:

• Wear a collared, leather bikini if you have one. Knee length boots are a plus. If you have more than one, change every fifteen minutes or so.
• Make yourself a colorful cocktail.
• Listen to some Hasselhoff albums.
• Watch a couple episodes of Baywatch and Knight Rider.
• Watch Marjoe.
  
  
  -R. Nichols
  
  
  
  

• Ryan Nichols is a writer / filmmaker in Minneapolis, MN.  He is a regular contributor to http://www.crocoduck.com/

Box Art: GOBLIN LIVE AT SHOCK STOCK

This Monday I submit for your approval the box art for GOBLIN LIVE AT SHOCK STOCK. I picked it up at Cinema Wasteland in Cleveland.  

This blu-ray is concert footage from a show Goblin played at Shock Stock in 2011.  It looks and sounds really good for a low budget release.  Unfortunately, all the yelling and whistling from the crowd can also be heard the whole time.  But, I wouldn't let that dissuade you, if you have the chance to pick this up.  The songs get longer versions than any of the recordings you could pick up, with the improvisations on Profondo Rosso (Deep Red) being a standout.

The art itself is just a montage of projects that Gobln did soundtracks for and a funny little curved border.  Put out by Vagrancy Video, they did a pretty nice job with the release.  The fact that they did a limited Special Edition is great.  That little gold sticker with the hand printed number is a nice touch.  However, as you can see, the number is smudged out.  Likewise, the blu-ray inside is just a burned disc and didn't work in my nice blu-ray player.  It did work in my other one, though...  

-J. Moret