Thursday, March 28, 2013

Review: ONE MAN ARMY

ONE MAN ARMY
New Concorde Entertainment
1994
Cheap as fuck on Amazon.com


ONE MAN ARMY is the Story of Jerry (played by. . . Jerry "Tony Danza syndrome" Trimble) Jerry, a kickboxing champion (again, Jerry Trimble was actually a kickboxing champion), returns home to his small country hometown to put his Grandfather to rest. He senses foul play was a factor in the old man's death. Jerry feels the need to investigate.

The film starts with Jerry's car breaking down in the small hick town. He finds some thugs messing with a gas station attendant. . . so of course, as any self-respecting kickboxing champion beats the living piss out of them.

DETOUR

I have to take a second to point something out that bothers me to no end about movies like this. Small town street thugs should not throw spin kicks. I realize this is fiction. I realize it's a low budget straight to video flick. But really, when was the last time you saw a couple of sloped forehead fuckweeds throw kicks in a bar fight? Never is the correct answer.

BACK ON TRACK

Jerry meets up with his old friend / flame Natalie. She's a reporter . . . or a lawyer or something. . . seriously, she doesn't matter.

Jerry then reconnects with his buddy Eddie. Eddie is a total cokehead bastard. Their first friendly meeting was supposed to play out as a friendly exchange. It feels very confrontational. Eddie isn't a kickboxing champion. He's the champion of earth. He loves beer, cocaine, shotguns, and babes.

Eddie and Jerry go to an amazing bar. It isn't a strip club but there are topless women sitting on the laps of every man in the entire joint. In addtion to this fantastic business model, there is an area when a bunch of shirtless Hispanic and Asian men fight. Jerry is a low key guy, but everyone knows he was a champion fighter. Two jealous gentlemen (both credited as "Mexican Thug") challenge him. . . . so Jerry dominates them. After the fight, one stands up and chucks a cocktail table at Jerry. It's cool.

Enter Sheriff Boze. Jerry's peer with a chip on his shoulder. Apparently Jerry showed Boze up at every turn during when they grew up together. Naturally Boze hates Jerry and he's a dirty bastard in cahoots with Sidney Sharperson (nice name). Sidney has a diverse business plan. He deals in slavery, prostitution, and mining (what a dick).

Well crap. This all sounds quite convoluted. It's a trend that continues.

Natalie tries to convince Jerry to run for Sheriff against Boze. Makes sense. In case you weren't aware, a kickboxing trophy actually qualifies you to be sworn Law Enforcement official. Jerry and Natalie decide to go skinny dipping. Natalie gets shot. Naked.

Jerry wins the election. Eddie becomes his deputy. Boze gives Eddie tons of cocaine. In his realistic coke rage, he shoots his wife in the belly with a shotgun. Jerry finds that Boze and Sharperson are responsible for his grandfather's death. There are some fights. The movie ends.

HANK

The best part of the movie is Hank, Jerry's German Shepard. This dog is smarter than anyone in the entire movie. He tricks the police, Tackles about 4 thugs that are ready to shoot people, Drags Jerry out of a blazing inferno, has his CPA license, discovers the cure for cancer, teaches Astro Physics at Stanford and barks when bad guys come around.

After all hell breaks loose, the final shot of the film is Jerry and Hank embracing. He's the best.

THE DVD

Full Frame. Looks like poop. Has trailers for another Jerry Trimble film and some piece of crap starring Don "The Dragon" Wilson.

You know how you can tell a movie is totally fantastic? When you can buy it brand new on DVD on Amazon for under $3 shipped.

IN CONCLUSION

This is a great movie to have around when you wake up at 3 a.m. for no good reason. It's so messed up. Jerry essentially goes from being a kickboxing drifter to the Sheriff of his hometown and solving the crime of the century in three days. Legendary.

1 comment:

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