Monday, May 20, 2013

Review: THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE

THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE
Director: Terry Lofton
1985




I'm going to start this review at the end. Although the title is incredible, you shouldn't watch this movie. Quite honestly, I have not seen a horror film as bland and terrible as THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE.

THE END

With that being said, it is obvious this was a cheap production. My assumption is that the biggest budgetary expense was the videotape the thing was shot on. This had to have been conceived by a bunch of drunk dudes that watched THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, didn't realize TCM was actually a movie and thought it was just a series of death scenes, wrote crappy one liners on a bar napkin and filmed the following 3 days with what appears to be a consumer camcorder (It may not be, but the quality is that of consumer video equipment from 1985. Pure Shite).


THE PLOT:

Pretty much take the plot from I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE (a movie I hate by the way, blasphemous to horror junkies, I know) and put a nailgun in it. Now, I know what you're thinking, that sounds pretty awesome. Somehow, this didn't translate into an enjoyable film.

For the uninitiated, I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE begins with a woman being raped. bloody revenge ensues. Where I can applaud the attempted shock factor of I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE and I can understand where it comes from in terms of the  "message" it tries to present to viewers, THE NAILGUN MASSACRE lacks subtext completely.

The only real difference is that in NAILGUN MASSACRE the rapists all work for the same construction company. They aren't just backwoods dummies. My guess is that director Terry Lofton either worked for or had a connection to a construction company and could easily use the tools and facilities for filming for little to no money.

To summarize: Both movies are exploitative and filthy. One actually tries to do something within the context of garbage where the other is simply garbage.

THE NAILGUN MASSACRE starts with the rape of a woman on a construction site. The rest of the movie  is a seemingly random mish-mash of these meatheads getting nailed. There's a Sherrif trying to uncover this killer and a doctor to help him along. These guys really don't matter. With about 15 minutes left in the movie they actually try to zero in on the killer.

They prevail. . . and nothing exciting happens.


LET'S (NOT) GET IT ON

For being violent rapists, these dudes certainly have the magic touch when it comes to the ladies.

The killer almost ALWAYS kills these rapists during the course of consensual sex. Not to mention, the killer avenging the aforementioned rape, usually murders the woman the rapist is with. . . I realize movies like this rarely make sense. But this really makes no sense at all. Why do these women deserve to die? Because there is a possibility they're carrying the seed of a rapist?

The sex scenes are more gruesome than the kills. There is a 3 minute long shot of this dude's hairy, sweaty ass thrusting into a chick pinned against a tree. . . this is the worst scene of padding in the history of recorded media.


I CAN SHOOT IT

Remember the nailgun in the game Quake? remember how sweet that was? It never got boring dominating  goons with nails. This concept didn't translate to movies. At least not in this one. The nailgun, which is an inventive "massacre" weapon, falls flat in nearly every respect. It not impactful, it's not fun, it's actually not even remotely gruesome (due to absolutely garbage special effects work). Nearly every victim of the killer is merely pinned in some way and then they keel over and die.

Boring.

There is one slightly entertaining kill where the killer shoots a drunken parrot head from a swimming pool and he falls on a hot barbecue grill. That's as good as it gets.

I would imagine this murder weapon could have been interesting in the hands of a capable director or even one that had a bigger budget at his or her disposal. Sadly, we are left wondering what the hell they were thinking while making this laughable attempt to entertain. A bad slasher is tolerable if the kills are inventive or gory. This movie is a bad slasher with bad kills.

If you are curious how a nail fun could be used to great effect in a terrible movie, FINAL DESTINATION 3.

FD3 Nailgun Massacre - Pretty gruesome

"WHO'S NEXT" - Bill Goldberg

Once the plot starts, (when about 15 minutes remain in the film's running time) things pick up, it almost becomes entertaining, there's a twist, and most importantly the movies ends. It also ineptly sets up a sequel. I never thought screwing up a sequel setup was possible. It is. The setup is so disorienting mentally, that I almost threw up.

KILLER JUMPSUIT

Gotta love a taped up visor.
Every great slasher flick has a recognizable antagonist. Freddy Krueger. Leather Face. The Driller Killer. The trenchcoated killer from PIECES. The gloves of a giallo villain. There needs to be defining physical traits.

The Nailgun Killer looks like a paintball enthusiast. He wears a camouflage jumpsuit with a blacked out motorcycle helmet.

Camo+Bright Yellow = Invisible


The killer also spouts off some of the worst one liners of all time. So terrible that I refuse to transcribe them here. We're talking the least clever, groan inducing one-liners of all time.

To top off repulsive one-liners, the killer's voice is channeled through some ridiculous effects. There's some chorus. A pitch shifter and. . . who gives a crap. It sounds so bad you can't understand half of what he says.


WELL DUH

I understand a movie titled THE NAILGUN MASSACRE is going to be smut. I expected as much. But I also expected at least a little bit of a good time while watching. I didn't get that. As you can tell, that pissed me off.

If you are looking for a seriously bad movie, as in, not remotely entertaining in any way, be sure to check out THE NAILGUN MASSACRE


THE GOODS:

FRIGHTMARE VIDEO released this movie on a red VHS tape in 2012. This tape was made for the 2012 Texas Frightmare Convention. Apparently they had some leftovers.

I saw it on ebay for a few bucks, so I grabbed it. I actually applaud the release itself. Comes in a hard clamshell case. Though I'm generally not a fan of fake wear to make something look vintage, the rest of the art presentation is good. The tape is blood red and is adorned by a full color tape label. Pretty cool overall.


My only gripe with the release is the music video for a band called Nail Gun Massacre prior to the movie beginning. I'm not criticizing their music or the video itself. A video for a modern metal band doesn't belong on a "retro" VHS release. Especially at the beginning of the tape. That's all.

This movie was also released on DVD by SYNAPSE FILMS. I'd assume it looks better and has some special features.

THE END?

For as much criticism as I shower on this film, it's better than anything I've ever made. . . Except for that short film I starred in in High School when I ran across town and warned a church about a bomb threat. That was pretty sweet. Or that one time John and I filmed ourselves pro wrestling in his parent's basement. That's quite a bit better than NAILGUN MASSACRE and had a far superior plot.

SET YOURSELF UP:

Just don't watch this movie. Go ride a bike or go for a walk. It's beautiful outside.

****TRAILER IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK****
****TRAILER CONTAINS NUDITY AND VIOLENCE*****
****TRAILER IS BETTER THAN THE MOVIE ITSELF*****


1 comment:

  1. this review is better than the movie itself

    ReplyDelete