Directed by Bobby A. Suarez
1983
95 mins. Color.
Paragon Video VHS release
It should be stated first that this VHS starts with the most confusing trailer reel of all time. There is a movie called Funeral Home that looks like complete nonsense, For Your Love Only with Natassja Kinski that looks miserably bad and then Fulci's Gates of Hell, which is insane and the editing looks like its about people who cry blood. So, this sets you up for what is about to be a mind-boggling experience.
The One-Armed Executioner is about as stupid as films become. Made in the Philippines on a budget of $27.00, it is mediocre on every level. Really, this movie isn't very good, but I found certain elements so entertaining that I'm recommending it anyhow.
Here's what happens:
One guy talks in a phone booth, and another guy in a beard locks him in there. Beardo then tips the booth over and throws it in the ocean.
Ortega (Franco Guerrero) is sent on a mission where he must chase a plane by jeep. He manages to shoot the pilot and then blow up the plane. Lots of men in jeans shoot machine guns at one another.
The Heavy is pretty upset that Ortega blew up that plane and killed his right-hand man, so he has men in masks kick him a lot. Then one of the masked men runs a kitana through his wife's heart, and then cuts off his left arm, making him a ONE-ARMED EXECUTIONER!
The movie gets mega dull: Ortega gets sad for awhile, gets drunk a bit, wanders around the market and knocks stuff down. Bad Jazz saxophone plays while Ortega talks to his dead wife. He gets in a fight in the dark and you can't tell what's happening. Apparently, they steal his money and make fun of his missing arm. or something. He gets kicked out of his favorite bar and some guy in a killer mustache kidnaps him. He then has to "discover the world of darkness" because he has one arm. He is told to "listen to sound. Feel with your feet."
It gets good:
Then, it all changes when the bogus 70s disco comes in. It gets awesome. Ortega runs a lot, kicks stuff, shoots apples, the camera zooms in on things and the framing on the camera is always off. Occasionally, there are glimpses of his left hand coming out from beneath his shirt. It's great.
REVENGE, REVENGE AND REVENGE.
Revenge:
So, it takes too long to get to this point, but once it does, the fun level goes to 11. Ortega chokes an old dude out, stabs a guy in the armpit, shoots a man off a roof, karate chops a man's throat, grenades some creeps, throws a machete through a man and blows up stuff all while "cool" piano music sucks and its too dark to really see anything.
He also has this conversation:
"How does it feel, Jason?"
"Not as good as sticking a sword in your wife"
In case the VHS cover wasn't enough for you I'll just say it: One-Armed Executioner is the type of movie that does some things right. Women wear shower caps. Once Ortega loses his arm, he always has a weird bulge in his shirt. It's impossible to relay how funny the sounds are in this movie. When Ortega wakes up and finds his arm missing, he makes the most inhuman sound I've ever heard. I guess the closest thing I can think of is a mix of Prince making that whining sound and Nicholas Cage in The Wicker Man yelling about the bees.
The Tape:
The tape is good. Paragon's art is beautiful on your shelf and you get those ridiculous trailers I mentioned before. Oh, and you have to watch the trailer for the movie you're about to watch before you watch it = my favorite / least favorite thing ever.
This week, Matt and John discuss Bruce Lee's CHINESE CONNECTION (aka Fists of Fury). Perhaps the first film we ever watched together, 14 years ago. We revisit it as adults and find ourselves just as in love with it.
There are few horror series or characters more iconic than Friday the 13th and Jason Voorhees. The 1980s saw the culmination of all things slasher... And drove it into the ground. Perhaps the "Friday" movies should be iconic for this as well. Like other horror series, when it ran out of ideas it went to complete desperation, with the last film literally taking place in outer space.
I'm a huge fan of horror films. I love crap like Sledgehammer and I care deeply about Rosemary's Baby and Dawn of the Dead. In the 300 or so movies I end up watching each year, I'll bet 100 are horror.
I realized a few months ago that I had never seen all the "Friday" movies. Truthfully, I had never been super attracted to it. I like the first film, and love the absurdity of Jason X, but had really only seen chunks of the eight films that lie between. So, I set out to watch them all in order. What I found was a giant mess of garbage with a few shining moments. For the most part, they are all the same film. When they finally do change it up, they become ironic and lose sight of why they were fun in the first place.
So, as someone who is new to the series I decided it was an opportunity to think of them as a whole. (I am not including Freddy v. Jason or the remake. Even though the remake features Jason shooting a bow & arrow at a water-skiing topless woman.).
*As a heads up, there are many spoilers for movies that are old below.
Here goes:
FRIDAY THE 13th (1980). Directed by Sean S. Cunningham
Synopsis: "Attractive" Camp Counselors want to counsel campers. Someone starts brutally murdering them. That someone is the mother of Jason, a young boy who drowned in Camp Crystal Lake because camp counselors weren't paying attention.
Why it's Awesome: Tom Savini. The effects are wild and creative. Savini was coming off his genius turn on Dawn of the Dead and with a bit of a bigger budget, the effects are fantastic.
Why it's Stupid: The ending leaves room for a sequel. Otherwise, this is pretty solid.
FRIDAY THE 13th PART II (1981). Directed by Steve Miner.
Synopsis: Jason's back! Only this time its really Jason and not his elderly mother who would be physically incapable of the things that she does in the first film. Jason wears a paper bag on his head and kills people.
Why it's Awesome: Jason uses a spear.
Why it's Stupid: Because it's a sequel to a movie where the killer has been killed. Savini moved on to work on the great slasher, The Burning, and what we're left with is a movie that is pretty much the exact same as the original.
FRIDAY THE 13th PART III 3D (1982). Directed by Steve Miner. Synopsis: Introduce the iconic hockey mask and teens hanging out at Camp Crystal Lake. Jason kills them.
Why it's Awesome: Crossbow.
Why it's Stupid: 3D. I'm not opposed to 3D as an idea. Well, actually, yes I am. It's pretty much stupid 90% of the time. Pina was pretty good, though... Anyway, watching this without 3D was hilarious.
FRIDAY THE 13th: THE FINAL CHAPTER (1984). Directed by Joseph Zito.
Synopsis: Jason is mortally wounded... or is he? Corey Feldman.
Why it's Awesome: Crispin Glover and Joseph Zito. Crispin is hiliarious. Zito is a madman, and this movie is insane because of it. Baby Corey Feldman shaves his head and yells a lot. And, there's this:
Why it's Stupid: It's titled the FINAL CHAPTER, but there would be Six more films... That's pretty stupid.
FRIDAY THE 13th: A NEW BEGINNING (1985). Directed by Danny Steinmann.
Adult Corey Feldman (not played by Feldman) goes to an insane Camp for wackos and people start dying.
Why it's Awesome: Some dude uses an axe. And, this killer dance scene:
Why it's stupid: No Jason Voorhees. That's right, no Jason. That's pretty stupid. Also, this movie is boring.
JASON LIVES: FRIDAY THE 13th PART VI (1986). Directed by Tom McLoughlin.
Adult Feldman (not played by Feldman) feels upset that Jason messed up his life, killed all kinds of people and made him shave his head. So, as anyone would do, he goes to Jason's grave, digs up the coffin, unearths the corpse and stabs it with a giant metal implement. As it happens, this lightning rod gets hit by lightning, and kazowy! Jason is revived.
Why it's Awesome: It's totally insane. Now that the series has officially jumped the shark (though I would argue it was Part II) they have the freedom to just go totally nuts. Its great.
Why it's Stupid: Well, I guess the plot. And the acting. And the direction. And the writing. But, that's why this one is so fun.
FRIDAY THE 13th PART VII: THE NEW BLOOD (1988). Directed by John Carl Buechler.
At the end of Jason Lives, Adult Feldman chained Jason to the bottom of a lake and ran into his brain with a boat propeller. So, Jason is underwater. Lucky for him, and us, there is a psychic who can re-energize his body and bring him back to life.
Why it's Awesome: By this point they've resorted to psychic powers. That scene with the sleeping bag. So much.
Why it's Stupid: By this point they've resorted to psychic powers.
JASON TAKES MANHATTAN (1989). Directed by Rob Hedden.
Teens gettin' wild in a boat on their Senior Trip to Manhattan. Jason somehow gets tangled in an electrical wire that is conveniently located underwater and is revived. Jason gets wild in a boat.
Why it's Awesome: Hmm.... That's tough. There's not much here to like. Once everything's gone haywire with a series, it doesn't really help to just change location. Everything else stays the same and there are no likeable characters whatsoever.
Why it's Stupid: He's revived AGAIN by accidental electrocution. Then he goes to Manhattan.
JASON GOES TO HELL: THE FINAL FRIDAY (1993). Directed by Adam Marcus.
Thirteen years after the original, they finally try something completely different. The film opens with a woman who undresses to take a shower, and when Jason attacks, she runs into the forest with a towel on. But, she's more adept than most and leads Jason into a trap, where the military proceeds to blow him to pieces. From there, they take him in pieces to the morgue. The coroner, Richard Grant, eats his heart and goes all wonky. We found out from there why Jason is immortal. There is a magic knife and some other dumb crap.
Why it's Awesome: Technically, this film is extremely sound. It looks good, it moves well, etc...
Why it's Stupid: They make Jason out to being possessed by an evil slug, which contains some stupid evil that transfers from person to person and can only be reborn through a Voorhees. I feel dumb for even writing that.
JASON X (2001). Directed by James Isaac.
Scientists are on the problem, and they've discovered they can't kill Jason, so why not freeze him? Unfortunately, he gets thawed out in a.d.2455 and space people in the future use laser guns to not kill him.
Why it's Awesome: It's Jason in space! That is so ridiculous! Lucky for us, at one point a scientist has a sink full of liquid nitrogen...
Why it's Stupid: It looks absolutely horrible. The budget seems akin to crap on the SyFy Channel. And, it's Jason in space.
This week, Matt and John discuss Robocop 2. The film was a flop in 1990, and continues to be considered a failure. We have decided, however, that it is an entertaining satire, proof that Robotcop was a SCAB, and prophetic in its prediction of bankruptcy for Detroit.
What Wenders has done with this Trilogy is absolutely astounding. It's a wandering, wide-open masterpiece, and Kings of the Road makes for a fantastic finish. Apparently created without a script, the actors improvised nearly all their lines on set. Likewise, Wenders developed the story and adapted to situations as they presented themselves. As a viewer, what this provides is a sense of wondrous spontaneity. And yet, it always appears as if Wenders is in complete control. Shots are beautifully composed and the characters slowly open to reveal honest, lonely people.
In some ways, the film feels a bit like something Cassavetes would've created. That search for honesty which he always prized seems at the forefront of everything here. But, what is truly different is Wenders deep understanding of the camera and his compulsion for quiet. Characters sit next to one another saying little or skirting issues. They discuss towns with names like "Hopeless," "Peaceless" and "Dead Man" comically and yet a certain sadness is present with the realization that they are real places.
Bruno Winter (Rudiger Vogler) is a traveling projection tech that goes from town to town, fixing old equipment in broken down movie houses. Robert Lander (Hans Zischler) has recently split with his wife and has no current ties. He drives his car into a river and leaves himself with nothing. So, he travels with Bruno. They spend hours together and share little. When Robert begins to tell about his split with his wife, Bruno responds by saying, "I didn't ask about that. I want to know about you, but I don't need to know your story."
A Pediatrician and a Projection Tech
What Wenders does so well, and is on display here, is using seemingly happenstance moments and letting them alter the course of the character's development. Robert awakens one night to the sound of metal banging against metal in the wind. He wanders from the truck and slowly pushes one piece of metal against another, trying to identify the source of the sound. He wanders up stairs and in secret spaces to find a disgruntled worker in a broken down factory, throwing bolts against a broken conveyor belt. The man follows Robert back to the truck and they sit silently. No real easy connections. The man then explains that he's wearing his wife's coat, and that the stains on it are his wife's blood. She'd driven into a tree after an argument they had. Robert listens to the story and offers nothing in return.
Bruno wanders from the truck and finds the smashed car still curled up against the tree.
Wenders does not provide any insight into the reasons these types of things happen. There is simply a car smashed against a tree by a woman who was angry with her husband.
But, what the film becomes is the reason it is so brilliant. It is a film about cinema. What is cinema? Why do we do it? It's a film about exhibitors, filmmakers and audiences. Its about presentation and ideology and craft.
Perhaps the most interesting scene in the film is when Bruno visits a porn cinema. He sits down to watch the film and is frustrated with the quality of the projection. When he goes up to discuss this with the projectionist, he's bemused with the man masturbating by way of a tiny mirror he has put in the way of the lens so he can the film well in the booth. As the film is playing, it's releasing all the film to the ground. When the projectionist quits, Bruno methodically re-spools the film (not an easy task. I've been in this situation, and it is a horribly trying situation). He then fixes the framing and gets the lamp from wandering. As he sits down to watch a test reel, there is a sense of accomplishment.
Wenders is in the midst of a challenge here. On the one hand the owner of the now closed theater, Weisse Wand, offers this fantastic line, "Film is the art of seeing, which is why I won't show these films, which are mere exploitation of all that can be exploited in human heads and eyes. I won't be forced to show films where people stagger out stunned and rigid with stupidity."
On the other hand, Bruno's dedication to the good projection of pornography (the least respectable form of entertainment) shows that, perhaps, what Wenders is doing is recommending that whatever you do, do it well. And, in Wenders' fashion, I'm left to consider these questions.
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